I like to experiment frequently with make up ; D

Shewf. Has it been a while or what? Aha, the title speaks for itself purely. : ) 

The question remains. What inspired me to post? For the past few months, I’ve teased the idea of reading. Its such a good thing to do. Its good for the mind, something nice to do before bed, you learn something new as well as widen and broaden your mind a little. Nothing to lose and something to gain, yeah? That’s what I thought.

Not just any book. I’m not into reading long, drawn out storyline with characters and plot lines. Something I have to really get into in order to truly comprehend. I do however, love devotionals and inspirational books. Self confidence things, I should say. I like reading it. It makes me feel empowerment in some sort of way. Me myself have always, like any other conscious girl, has confidence issues. Whether its at work, about my career, my self imagine, my abilities. I get really down sometimes, easily. I struggle. I try and manage getting away from the negativity of that all, whether it be distracting myself or finding someone to chit chat with. I’m surrounded by so much talk about relationships, drama, everything I don’t like to hear about.

Learn to love yourself. I’ll never love anyone honestly and truly if I can’t learn to love myself.

There will be many things in life, I won’t understand. More things than I’ll ever be able to imagine. When I think about it, it’s a tad scary. But that’s the reality of it. So I suppose I hate reality, aha. I’m naïve in the sense that the things I don’t know won’t hurt me. For the most part, it seems to go that way. I’ve learned to let things I don’t know be blocked out of my mind completely. I’d rather not know, whether it be good or bad. They say ignorance is bliss, and to me it truly is. Knowing so little helps the negativity in my life seem a little less to an extent. I’ve given up on optimism altogether. The older I get the farther out of sight it is. I’m told life is full of disappointments so prepare myself. So, if that being the case then what room is there left for optimism? Everyone tells me, “be optimistic” when in reality, what point is there in hoping for something that more than likely won’t go your way? I’ve wondered that. I’ve always rather prepared myself for the let down that’s ahead, than denying the inevitable. Let down is one of my fears. It happens more and more and after a while it’s something I expect. In my life, in my choices; And of course, in people. I try my best to insolate off what I know will hurt me. I’ve done my hardest to cover my heart as best I can. What good is there in letting people have a glimpse of my feelings? My feelings are precious. They are what run my life. They are what make me for who I am. My sensitivity to who I trust has been shaken time and time again. I try so damn hard to push people out, and the moment I let them in. They go right for my heart. They attack it like some sort of starved animal. I never understood why of all people, why I end up like this? So, heart broke. So misunderstood and misused. I’d give anything for the one that means the most to me. I try to be as sincere as I can and my efforts seem to result in failure. I let someone abuse what tender feelings I gave them. I’ve never been the girl to wear her heart on her sleeve. I was never one to grow attachment to many people at all. The more I learn about people and their behavior, the more protection I feel I need to give my heart. It’s a cruel world. Such a cruel world. Where morals are broken and people will walk all over you like a doormat. My search for someone true is yet to be found. Any instant I might think that, its shot clean down. Why must I be so ignorant? Who am I to lend my heart to someone who can’t even handle his own? Was I so blind to see the caution signs when we moved so fast through? He was the sweetest boy I’d ever met. I truly believed that. Not only did I preach that, but I felt it in my heart. I could of sworn what I was feeling was real. It wasn’t quite like anything I’d felt before. The security of it was overwhelming, and I let it consume me. I let it out of my control and this is what I’ve created. I’ve made for myself nothing but heartbreak. Hurt. When I saw it from the damn start, I was foolish and neglected what I should have held dear. No one deserves my heart. No one can hold it without looking back. Why I thought anyone could have them, I’m not sure. It was an act of foolishness and deceit. Even when my mind thought every piece fit perfect, I missed cracks that turned into bottomless holes. This is the offspring of my actions. A wounded heart. My own deception blinded me from accepting the truth. I realize this now. I made a fool of myself by forcing myself to believe someone could have been different. That, I had no reason to be scared this time. I crossed the line of friendship into the dark, delusional idea of a so called “ relationship “. I sold myself out to my own insecurities, unfortunately. This is my missing piece. My emotional fault I long to fill. A relationship that I felt should have been bulletproof. Despite what was actually right, this is the price I pay.

me : D